You want fascism? Cool. Let’s do fascism. But let’s do it right.

Not the bootlicking, dictator-worshipping cosplay you’re all obsessed with lately. Not the bloated orange demigod with a cult base and a three-syllable vocabulary. No, no. I’m talking about the real authoritarian stuff. The kind that actually improves efficiency. The kind that stops letting the dumbest guy in the gas station line decide public policy. The kind that makes voting a privilege you earn, not a toy you get to play with just because you have opposable thumbs.

You people voted for this chaos. You picked leaders who brag about not reading. You elected cowards who call empathy a weakness. You turned “facts don’t care about your feelings” into a war cry, then ran sobbing to safe spaces when reality bit back. So let’s stop pretending we live in a functioning democracy. Let’s stop acting like the system isn’t already broken and being gamed by morons who can’t spell "system."

If you’re gonna run this country like a circus, at least let the clowns pass a test first. And let's be clear here — even actual clowns have to graduate from clown college. Honk the horn, ride the trike, take a pie to the face — but do it with certification. We’re being governed by dropout mimes with TikTok accounts.

The Aptitude Test

Welcome to the age of basic functioning. We’re not talking about IQ tests — we’re not trying to revive phrenology here. We’re talking about the bare minimum it should take to operate heavy machinery like society.

Examples:

• Can you name your state governor without checking Facebook?
• Can you name the state you live in?
• Can you name the three branches of government? (Tommy Tuberville couldn’t.)
• What are the first three words of the preamble to the United States Constitution?
• Can you define "empathy" without turning it into a conspiracy?
• Can you distinguish satire from actual news? (Bonus points if you can explain why that’s important.)
• Do you understand that Puerto Rico is part of the United States?
• If a headline ends in three exclamation points, do you believe it’s probably true or definitely true?
• Does climate change exist, or is that a liberal conspiracy created by space lasers?

Pass the test? Cool, you can:

• Vote
• Get a driver’s license
• Buy a firearm
• Receive government benefits
• Apply for credit or a bank account
• Access the internet without a pop-up telling you to go outside

Fail the test? No worries. You can still bitch about it online — but only in Comic Sans.

License to Breed

You need a license to fish. A license to drive. A license to braid hair in some states. But to create a whole-ass human being who might one day be our neighbor or boss or senator or president? That’s a free-for-all.

Let’s change that.

New Policy: Mandatory Parenting Permit™

To reproduce, you must:

• Demonstrate emotional maturity (i.e. not post your child’s meltdown for TikTok likes)
• Pass a basic test on nutrition, finance, and developmental psychology
• Prove you understand the difference between discipline and generational trauma

If your child’s name is a cryptocurrency, geographical direction, or a piece of food, you are automatically disqualified.

If conception occurs without a permit (because biology is rude like that), you’re enrolled in the Probationary Parenthood Program:

• Weekly classes
• Periodic evaluations
• No social media until your child is potty-trained or you are, whichever comes first

We’ll retroactively test your parents too, just for the giggles.

New Departments & Forms

• Department of Cognitive Vetting (DoCV) — Administers the Aptitude Test and filters out anyone who thinks The Onion is a legitimate news source.
• Office of Reproductive Responsibility (ORR) — Where you apply for your Parenting Permit™ (Form RR-42069).
• Division of Digital Decency (DDD) — Handles internet access approval. No test, no memes.
• Form IQ-404 — For those who failed and want to appeal, which will be graded by a panel of fifth graders and one bored civics teacher.
• Probationary Parenting Pamphlet — 72 pages, laminated, includes instructions on swaddling and how not to be a narcissist. Did you actually read yours?
• A Common Sense Endorsement (CSE) is required before you can speak at school board meetings, own a megaphone, or become a YouTube influencer.
• Influencer Intent Disclosure Form (IIDF) — Mandatory if you plan to monetize your absent personality. Includes a copy of your credit report, criminal history, what prescriptions you take, and which ones you should.
• The Bureau of Algorithmic Narcissism (BAN) will be tasked with reviewing all influencer applications and determining whether you're producing content or just broadcasting your emotional defecits for profit.
• The Receipt Verification Index (RVI), a publicly accessible database, will be created for transparency and integrity purposes. All influencers must submit itemized receipts for every bougie product they flaunt online. Want to pose in front of a Lamborghini? Prove you didn't just rent it for an hour off Turo. Wearing a $5,000 handbag? Let’s see the statement, Princess. If your "brand deal" includes the phrase "gifted," you better disclose the tax write-off.

No More Free Rides for Public Servants

The Politician Reform Act will be established to explicitly address the current climate of ignorance, greed, identity politics, fearmongering, fascism, and corruption — because pretending these aren’t the main pillars of modern political campaigns is how we got here in the first place.

Before a single campaign dollar is raised or a stump speech is given, every aspiring politician must:

• Undergo a full psychological evaluation administered by two independent, licensed psychiatrists with no political affiliations.
• Complete and pass a cognitive function test, standard IQ test, and comprehensive exams in economics, civics, and basic science.
• Participate in a filmed, unedited testing session — all footage must be disseminated across public channels, including social media, public television, crack houses, gun ranges and strip clubs nationwide.
• If they fail even one test, they are immediately disqualified from running or holding public office.

Because if you're going to legislate for 330 million people, you should at least know how fucking laws are passed and whether dinosaurs and humans did or did not high-five each other in ancient Mesopotamia.

Every politician must sign and notarize a legally binding Terms of Public Service Agreement (ToPSA) upon entering office. This document must be:

• Signed in front of a notary, two constituents, and, possibly, a rescue pig named Snort.
• Include a morality clause declaring they will not pander to conspiracy theories, scapegoat minority groups, or legislate based on religious delusion or internet outrage.
• Disseminated as a hard copy to every constituent they represent, at their own expense.
• Uploaded to a public database searchable by ZIP code and personal name.
• Include a Recall Guarantee Clause: If enough signed recall forms are submitted by constituents (minimum threshold to be determined by district size and verified voter count), the official is automatically removed, no need for special elections, no exceptions.

Because if they get to treat us like goddamned children, we get to treat them like contractors. You. Work. For. The. People.

Swearing-In Protocol

• All politicians must take their oath of office with one hand on an actual copy of the U.S. Constitution — not a Bible, not a menu from Olive Garden, the Constitution.
• If they’ve been caught in a verifiable lie prior to swearing in, their oath must instead be administered using a ratty old copy of Aesop’s Fables, to symbolize their natural habitat.

Consequences for Noncompliance

Any politician who violates these terms — whether it’s insider trading, taxpayer-funded travel, or lying through their shock collar like it's open mic night — will be subject to immediate recall and reassigned to the National Pork Program:

• A minimum sentence of 180 days, maximum of 3 years, working naked on a pig farm.
• No cameras, no staffers, no speeches — just cold mud, grunting livestock, and the smell of humility.
• Time served will be publicly livestreamed as part of the "Accountability in Action" transparency initiative.
• Donations can be made prior to and during the livestream. These donations can be used to make them perform stunts, challenges, or pass tests, like Field Sobriety Tests

You want to roll in the shit politically? You better get used to doing it literally.

Post Swearing-In

You wanna serve the people? Great. Then live like them. Shit’s going to change!

• Voice-Stress Shock Collars — Every elected official must wear a shock collar calibrated to detect lies during public statements. Falsehoods trigger a mild zap, increasing in voltage with each consecutive lie. Bonus jolts for gaslighting, deflection, or saying "thoughts and prayers."
• Salary Caps — All politicians will receive compensation equal to the national median minimum wage. If they want more income, they can take on another job — but they can’t work both at once. Real jobs. Real hours. Real fucking consequences.
• Healthcare Access — No special plans. No insider clinics. They go through the same labyrinth of insurance providers, copays, denials, and staicy, muzak on a loop that the rest of us do.
• Mandatory Biweekly Report Cards — Every two weeks (Because everything is two weeks, right?), each politician must provide an itemized update to their constituents detailing what they did, why they did it, and how much taxpayer money they fucking wasted while doing it. If the report includes buzzwords like "bipartisan effort" or "reaching across the aisle," it must be accompanied by proof of work.
• Travel Limitations — All government-funded travel is suspended. If they want to jet-set, they pay for it themselves. Approved modes of transportation: personal vehicle, public transit, Greyhound, or budget airlines. All travel reimbursements go to randomly selected charities at the end of the fiscal year.
• Investment Ban — No stock trading. Period. All assets must be liquidated before swearing in. If they believe in the economy, they can enjoy it like the rest of us: broke as shit with.
• Security and Perks — Want bodyguards? Pay for them. Want an office after you retire? Rent one. No more taxpayer-funded thrones for people who treat the job like an ego trip and the country like a salad bar at a Sizzler.

The Lobbyist Scumbag Act

Lobbyists aren’t just vile, whispering devils — they’re the unregistered plague hosts of cancerous policy filth and rot. No more hiding in shadows with their donor spreadsheets and creepy, “dead inside” hallway smiles.

• All registered lobbyists will now be required to have a visible tattoo marked with a scarlet "L" — not for Lobbyist, but for Loser, because that’s what you are if your entire career consists of monetizing access and corruption. Tattoo must be in red ink and located in the center of the forehead for ease of visibility purposes

Transparency never looked so tragic.

"But That’s Tyranny!"

You bet your ass it is. But we already live in a state of half-erect authoritarianism — just one that protects the stupid and punishes the truth.

We don’t need more freedom. We need better filters. Because when half the country proudly can’t identify the three branches of government, and the other half thinks Democrats are creating fucking tornadoes, it’s time for some gatekeeping.

And if that scares you? Good. Maybe it should.

You opened the door. You cheered while it burned. You elected walking punchlines and called it patriotism. You sneered at nuance, spat on education, and chose comfort over competence.

So here’s your world. But don’t complain when it turns on you. Don’t cry tyranny when it finally says: Prove you deserve a seat at the table.

Because at this point? We’re not even angry.
We’re just disgusted.

And hey — you voted for it.

We are not for sale. . .
#ProjectBlackbird
Z\W